I 968 dager har jeg vært mamma. I 968 dager har jeg hatt verdens viktigste jobb. Det er jammen meg ikke lett å være mamma. Jeg strever. Jeg prøver og feiler og lærer litt hver dag.
Jeg måtte bli mamma selv for å verdsette alt min egen mamma ofret for meg og mine søsken. For virkelig å forstå hva et mammahjerte rommer og hvor lett det er å glede. Via ustabil wi-fi i Thailand bestilte jeg derfor blomster til min kjære mamma i anledning morsdag. Rosa blomster med et lite kort. Et lite kort som sa så alt for lite, men likevel fikk med det viktigste: Takk for alt. Teksten under sier alt det andre.
10 things your mum never told you
There it was, clear as day, two blue lines staring back at me from the small pregnancy test I had just purchased.
I double checked…
One line = not pregnant.
Two lines = pregnant.
Yup, I was definitely pregnant.
My heart was pounding.
My head was spinning.
My stomach was churning.
I was nervous, excited, scared, and ecstatic all at the same time.
This was actually happening! After years of dreaming, preparing and anticipating this day, it was finally here. I was going to be a Mother.
Little did I know that in 9 short months I would begin the most exhausting, life changing, heart wrenching, but undescribably rewarding journey of my life.
In 9 months I would learn the price of motherhood first hand. I would know exactly what it takes to be a mother. I would gain a whole new understanding of and gratitude for the beautiful woman I call mother.
I would learn about things mothers experience, that we often are unaware occur.
Those things your mom never told you.
1. You made her cry… a lot. She cried when you found out she was pregnant. She cried as she gave birth to you. She cried when she first held you. She cried with happiness. She cried with fear. She cried with worry. She cried because she feels so deeply for you. She felt your pain and your happiness and she shared it with you, whether you realized it or not.
2. She wanted that last piece of pie. But when she saw you look at it with those big eyes, and lick your mouth with that tiny tongue, she couldn’t eat it. She knew it would make her much happier to see your little tummy be filled, than hers.
3. It hurt. When you pulled her hair, it hurt; when you grabbed her with those sharp fingernails that were impossible to cut, it hurt; when you bit her while drinking milk, that hurt too. You bruised her ribs when you kicked her from her belly, you stretched her stomach out for 9 months, you make her body contract in agonizing pain as you entered this world.
4. She was always afraid. From the moment you were conceived she did all in her power to protect you. She became your mama bear. She was that lady that wanted to say no when the little girl next door asked to hold you, and who cringed when she did, because in her mind no one could keep you as safe as her. Her heart skipped two beats with your first steps. She stayed up late to make sure you got home safe, and woke up early to see you off to school. With every stubbed toe and little stumble she was close by ready to snatch you up with every bad dream or late night fever she was there to make sure you were okay.
5. She knows she’s not perfect. She is her own worse critic. She knows all her flaws and sometimes hates herself for them. She is hardest on herself when it comes to you though. She wanted to be the perfect mom, to do nothing wrong, but because she is human, she made mistakes. She is probably still trying to forgive herself for them. She wishes with her whole heart that she could go back in time and do things differently, but she can’t, so be kind to her, and know she did the best she knew how to do.
6. She watched you as you slept. There were nights when she was up till 3:00am praying that you would finally fall asleep. She could hardly keep her eyes open as she sang to you, and she would beg you to «please please fall asleep.» Then when you would finally fall asleep, she would lay you down and all her tiredness would disappear for a short second as she sat by your bedside looking down at your perfect cherub face, experiencing more love than she knew was possible, despite her worn out arms, and aching eyes.
7. She carried you a lot longer than 9 months. You needed her too. So she did. She would learn to hold you while she cleaned, she would learn to hold you while she ate, she would even hold you while she slept because it was the only way she could sometimes. Her arms would get tired, her back would hurt, but she held you still because you wanted to be close to her. She snuggled you, loved you, kissed you and played with you. You felt safe in her arms, you were happy in her arms, you knew you were loved in her arms, so she held you, as often and as long as you needed.
8. It broke her heart every time you cried. There was no sound as sad as your cries, or sight as horrible as the tears streaming down your perfect face. She did all in her power to stop you from crying, and when she couldn’t stop your tears her heart would shatter into a million little pieces.
9. She put you first. She went without food, without showers, and without sleep. She always put your needs before her own. She would spend all day meeting your needs, and by the end of the day, she would have no energy left for herself. But the next day she would wake up and do it all over again because you meant that much to her.
10. She would do it all again. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs anyone can do, and it will take you to your very limits sometimes. You cry, you hurt, you try, you fail, you work and you learn. But, you also experience more joy that you thought was possible and feel more love than your heart can contain. Despite all the pain, grief, late nights, and early mornings you put your mom through, she would do it all again for you because you are worth it to her. So this mothers day, tell your mom thank you, let her know on her special day that you love her, she can never hear it to many times.